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Dear Mr Margolis, Mr Gacki and other important people,
As requested please find enclosed report 2XP2L-002: ‘Watch brand suitability study for secret agents of the FBI’.
REPORT:
The aim of this study is to ascertain which brand of watch most suits the needs of a secret operative working under a range of situations for the FBI.
Brands chosen were Rolex, Blancpain, Jaeger LeCoultre, IWC, Patek Philippe, Audemars Piguet, Panerai, Omega, Breitling and Lange und Sohne. Other brands were not considered high enough calibre for FBI operatives, (After all, we do have a multi billion dollar budget) while others too cheap. Some felt that the newly designed ‘Carbon hexagonal layering writing tool’ for $5million (pencil) was worthy of an equally sophisticated timepiece complement.
Watch brands, Audemars Piguet and Panerai have been placed under the same subheading it was felt that they both encompassed the same ‘Arnold Schwarezenezennnegger, look at my biceps’ ethos.
Patek Philippe and Lange und Sohne were also grouped together as it was felt that they both commanded the ‘I’ve got more bearer bonds than you and look at my fancy cigar cutter’ philosophy.
Situations under which brands were tested:
1) Formal dinner
2) Rapid releasing projectile device encounter (Gun fight)
3) Controlled intra-H2O plummatation (Parachuting into the sea)
Simulated situations were carried out with trained FBI actors playing unsuspecting members of the public and unconstructive-illegal-activity personnel (the ‘baddies’).
There were 3 main criteria for the timepieces that were assessed during simulations:
1) Practical Use
2) Construction
3) Style
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Formal Dinner
Rolex
1.
- Very good accuracy. Exact timing of brussel sprout bomb being deployed in simulations. Some gravy, carrot and roast potato projectile missiles caused no harm to device.
2.
- Could easily stand rigours of arm motion during eating.
3.
- Slight protrusion of watch under water-based-ground-confined-Artic-bird suit (Penguin suit) with some Sport models.
- Most agents found that it was the subject of animated discussion among other diners, prompting questions of: “Is that real?”, “Is that a fake Rolex?”, “Hey! That’s a fake Rolex – you can tell because the second hand is ticking”.
Blancpain
1.
- Accuracy adequate. With so many different dials on some models, agents got confused and made mistakes. One agent tried to switch covert listening device on with wrong button thereby altering the date on his perpetual watch to 3 years and 6 months prior to actual date.
- Some agents so mesmerised by display backs, they missed opportunity to ask for some more ‘Mississippi Mud Pie Brownie Devil’s Revenge Chocolate Cake’.
2.
- Case rugged enough to withstand dunking in red wine even though most operatives weren’t.
3.
- Most excellent and unobtrusive.
- Trilogy series did cause problems when bezel flashed in front of waiter’s eyes causing temporary blindness. Also couldn’t fit under standard issue FBI white shirts.
Jaeger LeCoutltre
1.
- Accuracy generally very good although some operatives couldn’t decide which dial to face upwards leading in a lot of accidental bomb detonations caused by twirling the twirly bit on the Reverso models.
2.
- Just about rugged enough to withstand rapid arm motion encountered by eating aforementioned chocolate cake.
3.
- Unnoticed. Perfect for formal dinner situations.
- Some agents’ praised intricate guilloche details on dials to entertain them during boring converstions.
Audemars Piguet & Panerai
1.
- None of these brands could be slipped under shirt cuff. Instead they were carried into dining room in a large holdall.
2.
- When placed upon table, legs gave way causing extreme embarrassment when dinner service smashed to smithereens.
- Stray missiles from some agents’ trifle bombs deflected with such ferocity that one actor was knocked out with a small peach chunk.
3.
- Very few agents managed operation completely. Unsuccessful operatives did not achieve task as diners ran away panicking, screaming and shouting upon sight of Audemars Piguet Royal Oak.
- When viewed, onlookers said of Panerai, “What did you bring with you, Big Ben?”, “What’s that? A hub cap?”, “Do you have a sight problem?” or…
Omega
1.
- Helium escape valve used to good effect as detonator with Seamaster model.
- Moon Speedmaster model received our ‘Donald Duck’ award for accuracy in timing.
2.
- Good but bracelet and clasp easily prone to receiving scratches.
- Operatives who wore Dynamic bracelets were ‘outed’ when they started screaming like little sissy girls upon hair pinching.
3.
- A good collection of styles marred by almost everyone else in the same room owning a Seamaster of some combination.
Breitling
1.
- Rider tabs ripped most agents’ delicate white shirts.
- Some operatives taken away in wheelchairs as quivering wrecks after trying to read time on busy dials.
2.
- Very solid which survived acidity of crème filling from after dinner mints when accidentally spilled.
3.
- Not delicate enough for formal dinners.
- Some diners asked if children had scribbled all over agents’ timepieces.
IWC
1.
- Portuguese line handled operation effortlessly.
- Accuracy more than adequate with no problems of dial legibility. This did prove to cause problems; agents were so at ease with use of timepieces they partook in delightful conversation leading to regrets when time to blow everyone up.
2.
- Superb. Finish on titanium Aquatimer very good at avoiding scratches caused by flying lamb cutlet bones.
3.
- Some diners commented that Portuguese 3531 and 3431 were simply beautiful thereby giving agents opportunity to plant insect auditory mechanics (‘bugs’) whilst they were preoccupied with timepiece.
Patek Philippe and Lange und Sohne
1.
- Caused some problems when operatives carried timepiece in front of them held in little boxes wrapped in cotton wool for fear of damage.
- Lange Datograph display back led to some severe dribbling causing expensive dry cleaning bills.
2.
- Current $2.78billion research program into how timepieces survived actually being worn on operatives wrists as opposed to being gawped at through bullet proof museum case protected by surly security guards.
3.
- Perfect for a formal function save for unwelcome attention when diners crowded round operatives wanting to view ‘amazing moving sprockets and gizmos’ in timepieces.
Rapid releasing projectile device encounter (Gun fight)
Rolex
1.
- Sustained rolling around on floor and crashing through wooden balconies falling onto fabric awnings, Western style.
2.
- Held up very well, except those that were fired at. Gave us opportunity to look at movements of timepiece and we were surprised to find what looks like little metal bits loose in the movement of the Explorer model(?)
3.
- Did help distract bad guys as they were too busy asking if agents’ watches were “real”, if they were “fake” or if they “bought them from Hóse Martinez-Meringuez at the back of Papa Cino’s pizza parlor”.
Blancpain
1.
- Some agents missed an exciting shoot out as they had trouble reading the skeleton hands on some models.
- Other agents read their day/night indicator incorrectly leading them to be 12 hours late in their sole assassination attempt.
2.
- Despite Blancpain watchmakers being present for watch repairs, agents reported waiting until ‘next Christmas’ to receive their watch. It emerged that the problem lay in copious forms to be filled in by administration staff which were carried around, shuffled and generally made to look important whilst the real watchmakers were outside sledging in the snow and drinking Gluwein.
3.
- Agents ‘killled’ by rotten tomato ‘bullets’ looked fetching in their Blancpain Flybacks.
Jaeger LeCoultre
1.
- Some agents missed an exciting shoot out as they had trouble deciding which side dial they would wear on their Reverso models.
- Some agents mistook the power reserve on the ‘Reserve de marche’ believing that it indicated the number of bullets still held in their firearms.
2.
- Reverso dials tended to come undone when agent forcibly smacked down their gun handle on bad-guy’s head.
3.
- Did not fit in with stereotypical ‘chewing-gum chewing, gun toting, foul language speaking, phlegm spitting’ image of hard special agents.
Audemars Piguet & Panerai
1.
- Agents reported being able to smash through walls if timepieces poked at them.
- Used effectively as shields.
2.
- A $529billion feasibility study underway to ascertain whether these agents can climb inside timepieces to use as heavy artillery tanks.
3.
- Vain operatives were distracted by the permutations of strap available to the Panerai timepieces leading to much tongue-sticking-out-while-trying-to-release-springbar maneuvers.
Omega
1.
- The simple red lazer seen in the ‘James Bond’ films actually did not work leading to agents fumbling around reading their fire arm manuals trying to remember which end of the gun points at what.
2.
- The timepieces survived going to the moon and they also survived a barrage of bullets, a handful of hand grenades and a pickle of punches.
3.
- Disappointing that the bad guys also were seen to be wearing Omega Seamasters and having naked posters of Cindy Crawford (ambassador for Omega) in their hideouts.
Breitling
1.
- Firearms unnecessary. Busy, flashy dials blinded bad guys into surrendering.
2.
- Not tested to their extreme (see above). Likely to do well as unconfirmed intelligence reports that the bits inside (stuff that make the little sticks on the dial move) are reliable.
3.
- Perhaps all that shininess is just a little too shiny. Agents seen to be breathing onto timepiece case and buffing clean with hankies their mothers had given them.
IWC
1.
- Withstood repeated shaking of hand after firing many bullets and actually seemed to enjoy the experience of being wound; most of the time operatives were sitting in their cars drinking coffee and eating iced doughnuts (the moist kind with sprinkles on).
2.
- The reliable IWC’s insides held up perfectly to ‘G.I. Jane-style’ physical exercise simulation.
3.
- Increase in agent’s performance as strapping on serious watches made them feel special. Apparently shouting and screaming at them doesn’t seem to have the desired effect.
Patek Philippe and Lange und Sohne
1.
- Some agents wrapped foam around wrists to protect watches.
- Those without special watch insurance regretted decision; replacement watch parts very expensive.
2.
- Good, if tucked up safely at home with pipe and slippers.
- Good, if wearer is avid scientist with powerful microscope to marvel at mechanical workings.
3.
- Misinformed agents led to believe that shock on watch after shooting caused one of the dials on his Lange 1 to shrink relative to other dial.
Controlled intra-H2O plummatation (Parachuting into the sea)
Rolex
1.
- Great water resistance ensured all watches survived water immersion. Some agents wearing SeaDweller became confused by water resistance and were found attempting to swim to 4,000ft.
2.
- No problems in this department although one agent reported clasp coming undone and thus loss of watch. Has subsequently been deducted from pay packet.
3.
- Stainless steel Daytona caused problems as agents with the timepiece became entangled in parachutes from other jealous agents. One report claimed that a shoal of guppies tried to engulf an agent, stealing his watch in order to pay back a loan shark.
Blancpain
1.
- Trilogy Air Command bezel very effective at scaring away birds of prey which may have become entangled in parachute.
- Agents with X-71 bracelets reported great problems (and much scratching around the lugs) when attempting to remove said bracelet if it got caught up in parachute canopy.
2.
- All fared impact upon water well except for agent who was wearing 1735. He now works stacking frozen peas in a local supermarket while his children (and all their friends) bundled off to remote part of Timbuktu to make 12 cent sneakers sold at $125 in USA to help pay for repair.
3.
- Many limited edition Flyback models pleased agents. Those with the ‘Monaco’ edition misinterpreted timepiece for instruction. They were found 2 days later, 75 metres from drop zone, trying to sail to Monaco with a tin of baked beans from emergency ration kit and a piece of string from parachute.
Jaeger LeCoultre
1.
- About as water resistant as a spring door on a battleship (akin to the covered up manufacture of the Ship, CGN 22 – MISSSISISSIPPI)
2.
- The use of a few mm adjustment in Gran Sport models was a pleasure to use when compensating for agents’ changing wrist dimensions from departure out of aircraft to landing in the water.
3.
- Again, intricate guilloche work on dials distracted some agents who pulled their rip cords too late…
Audemars Piguet & Panerai
1.
- Both brands caused tsunamis upon connection with surface of the water.
- Macho pride instilled in some foolish agents who decided to jump from the aircraft without any parachutes.
- Some agents had trouble staying on the surface of the water after being weighed down by these approximate 1.4 ton timepieces . Estimate calculated using $3.76 billion designed weight-calculation-quantum device (kitchen scales).
2.
- Luckily, water was not adversely affected in any way.
3.
- Agents now demanding Arnold Schwarezneneggger style salaries after wearing timepiece.
- Increased subscription to FBI gym including Rolex Daytona long waiting list to use forearm strengthening machines.
Omega
1.
- During night operation, torch function as seen in James Bond film found not to work resulting in many mis-timed, and often painful, water landings.
2.
- Seamaster models fared well although Deville models not so great. Perhaps they would be better suited to white cricket jumper wearing agents as seen in earlier Omega brochures.
3.
- One agent swore blind that a fish was seen to be wearing an Omega Seamaster.
Breitling
1.
- Emergency transmitter does work, but seeing as how agents activated them while 50m under US Navy helicopters a more thorough test may need to be implemented.
- Barracudas attracted to shiny watches. One agent’s flipper AWOL.
2.
- Dang, the cases are shiny!
3.
- Ethos behind watch brand encouraged agents to hum ‘Top Gun’ theme tune whilst free falling, but short lived as they landed on ground and couldn’t read what time it was.
IWC
1.
- Pilot’s line of watches chosen for mission operated flawlessly.
- All agents jumped out of plane on time according to their Fleigerchronos save for one half deaf agent who, for some reason, bought a flea and a crow along instead.
2.
- Anti-magnetic casing ensured no alteration in timings. Also meant that agents were safe to make pretty patterns with iron filings and magnets in plane to pass time before called to jump.
3.
- One hard nosed Corporal was seen with a tear in his eye upon seeing such a ‘professional looking group of secret agents’.
Patek Philippe and Lange und Sohne
1.
- Most agents too scared to jump with PPs on; ‘You never own a Patek Philippe, you simply give it to the pilot of the plane to look after until after your mission’.
2.
- No agent was successful in making the ‘Geneva seal’ function which would probably have been of use as transport upon landing in the water.
SUMMARY
It is clear from our intensive study that there is only one brand available to the FBI.
The watches, made by little elves and gnomes in Switzerland, provide the best qualities currently available for special agents today.
This brand provides watch models for all necessarily demanding and exacting situations.
This brand provides watches with all their sprockets and thing-um-e-bobs made to extremely high standards befitting a special agent in the FBI.
This brand provides watches with an after-sales service which is unparalleled within the watch making world ensuring complete assurance in the brand.
And this brand provides watches, which once strapped across the wrist, instills in our agents an irrefutable confidence in their abilities, and their well being.
That watch brand is IWC (International Watch Company).
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发表于 2004-2-13 13:49:00
发表于 2010-9-19 02:06:00
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